Just Another Blog

Oh day.

2009-07-27T18:24:28Z

So.

I haven't posted in almost a month. And my last post was...one of those lame posts I look back at and go "yeesh. Do I honestly type that?"
The answer? Yes, yes I do. I think I'll just let it sit there. I was contemplating erasing it, but what's a blog if you erase the entries you don't like? That's like writing a diary and tearing out all the bad days.

I been awake for the past three days and I have to say, my brain is yelling at me now. Well- it stopped yelling yesterday. Today it's just in a catatonic state. I forgot my password to get into my blog so I clicked the whole, 'forget your password?' link. From there I went to my yahoo email. Then I spent the next ten minutes attempting to get into my yahoo mail. Which works a lot better if you're using the right email address. I, however, was convinced that a word belonged in my email address, when it really didn't. So after cursing at yahoo for a while and then slumping my face onto the desk when I realized my mistake, I have now reset my password.

And I have a feeling I'll probably be forgetting it soon.

But besides giving you that pointless anecdote, I was going to rant about how much of a procrastinator I was. However, My rant rage has pretty much gone away in the time it took me to hack into my blog. I'll just give you the facts.

I have 5 essays for biology due in September, when school starts again. I have a math packet, and I have to read and outline 4 chapters from my AP bio textbook. I have litlogs and an english book to read. I have a spanish packet. I have four weeks. One of those weeks I go to band camp. Dork, yes.

Anyroad. That leaves me with three weeks. And a bunch of work I left to the last minute.

To top it all off we're getting an exchange student. Possibly. Which I am incredibly excited about, but that means cleaning. Lots and lots of cleaning.

I am going to die from procrastinating one day.
The mood emoticon for thoughtful really isn't how I look right now.
It looks so...chipper.
I'm a sort of a crazed thoughtful.

Wandering

2009-07-04T00:42:17Z

Home alone again.

I've just been sort of aimlessly wandering around.
Nothing's wrong, I itch to do something, and at the same time I want to curl up and just lie there.
I sit on the couch, stand up go upstairs, lie on the floor in my room, stare at my ceiling, get up, sit on my bed with a book, get up again.
My mind can't seem to stay still this evening.

I feel off.
Which means one of my moods is probably coming on.
Not happy, not sad.

I told my doctor I don't want pills for this. I hate the thought of being on anything.
I feel like I need something, I just don't know what it is.

I wish...
What do I wish?
I wish I knew me.

3:57AM

2009-07-02T08:05:55Z

Still wide, wide awake. Just spent all these hours looking at thinspo. Is it weird that it makes me calm/oddly happy-ish to see these pictures? Well I love them anyway. They're lovelyyyy :D

Every time someone (sister/mum/friend) needs to borrow my laptop for a second I have to change the file folder name of my thinspo pictures and hide it somewhere among my desktop. Anyone know how to lock a folder? Just so I wouldn't have to hide it- I'd just have to change the name.

4:02.

I'm going to get up in an hour..

Another sleepless night.
I can't figure out if I like them or not.
It's sort of a quiet, secret time to myself.

EEK. It just started to thunder and lightening
baaalllllllsssssss D:

12:27AM

2009-07-02T04:33:04Z

I know that I'll be awake for another 3/4 four hours at least. My left hand has been falling asleep from my elbow squishing into the couch cushion and typing, which I'm guessing is causing the blood to drain from my hand. I'm lying on my stomach in an incredibly awkward-looking arched-back position with my feet sticking off the arm rest. And strangely, besides my hand, I'm rather comfortable.

Town fireworks tomorrow.
...well actually today
since it's past midnight

I've been avoiding seeing people. Like I always do when I feel fat. I think I have a sort of hermit nature. I just hide away. I push people away. My mind says that if I'm fat, I deserve to have my friends leave me.

I need something to do for the next couple of hours. I could sneak out and walk my dog but the dark makes me jumpy. (frankly, I'm afraid of the dark)

Big brave sixteen year old, eh?

Today

2009-06-22T00:29:41Z

My mum's leaving on Thursday and will be gone until Sunday. Which means I get 4 days to eat how I want to : ] It's sort of weird to be happy she's going away but it'll be nice to have no one telling me to eat this and that. Like today : /

I was doing fine until this afternoon and she told me I was going to eat a bowl of cereal. Not that I should. That I was going to eat it. And then dinner. I made her some sushi and had about 4 pieces of a tuna roll and then three of some other kind I made. So not absolutely AWFUL binge eating. But still, kind of pathetic.

Not amazing but I'll get back to how I was doing last week soon enough. Tomorrow she's working at home though, but she should be pretty busy so I'll be able to stay under the radar. Tuesday she'll have work and then some athletic thing (running, going to the gym, horseback riding, tennis etc) right after and I'll have band practice, so I won't have to have anything :D

I'm going to run everyday this week. Run at least two miles.

Feel like puking. But my mum will hear and then all hell will break loose.
And I know the whole purging thing screws up your throat. And that any weight lost from that comes right back.
So maybe I'll go take my dog for a walk

I don't think I can be complaining about how my mum makes me eat when I weigh 130lbs : /
that fact seriously depresses me.
I remember how nice it was to be 100...

Chewing

2009-06-20T20:38:36Z

My mum and I are sitting at the table in our library across from each other with our laptops. She's carried in a box of cheez-its to munch on and I'm trying to absorb myself in the screen and try not to hear each crunch of every cracker that's ground up in her mouth. I'm disgusted with how I find it disgusting. I never used to have a problem with the way people ate. But now, when I see my older sister eat, I can only think of how loudly she chews. With my mum it's a more quick series of crunches, like a rabbit or guinea pig. Little, rapid-fire bites. With one family friend...an ex girlfriend of my mum, it's absolutely painful to sit through. I used to squirm when I had to sit with her, and only her, for dinner.

I don't have this problem with my friends and how they eat. Maybe it's just me and people I've sat with for dinner numerous times.

CW: 131
oh disgusting, disgusting fat.

Went out with some friends last night and ate some things I shouldn't have. God. I was doing good for 5 days and then I cracked. I can't give up again. So I'll start again, tonight and tomorrow. I wish more than anything that I can stay strong enough to be strict with myself.

In two hours

2009-06-19T07:32:40Z

In two hours I'm just going to get up and go running. I'm itching to move about after eating all that junk yesterday and my insomnia won't let me sleep, so I might as well do something productive...

Disgusted

2009-06-19T05:39:37Z

Right now, this very second, this will be my highest weight. This is where it stops, and I stop being afraid of looking in the mirror. Because I refuse to let myself destroy my self-confidence like this. And this is where it’s going to begin. Because everything needs to begin somewhere. All the disgusting little details start now. I know I can do this because I've done it before.

Once I passed 115 I felt so fat I told myself I deserved to be fat and just ate what my mum gave me, and then more. So right now I am the heaviest thing ever :(

HW: 133
CW:131
LW: 98
GW: 100

Goals
July 18th- 120lbs

August 14th- 115lbs

September 11th- 110/109

And I can do this. Because I want it more than anything. I want to be back to where I was. I hate to see myself in the mirror. I won't continue to do this to myself. Today I had quite possibly one of the worst binges ever. A digusting amount of cookies, 8 marshmallows, disgusting amount of other things. I'm too ashamed to even write them out.

Here this addicting cycle goes again.

So now I'm 'fixed'

2007-11-28T21:11:50Z

I had to go to a nutritionist because my mum was 'worried' about me.
Personally there wasn't anything alarming going on. I had gone from 121 to 105, but I wasn't skin and bones.

What lovely, lovely words.
Skin and bones.
I wish I could be them.

Well, with what she had me eat I'm up to 110.6 now.
Splendid.
Yuck.
I feel insanely fat. It's not like I got so much fatter, but I was starting to be really confident and feel skinny for once and then after now reaching 110, I just keep hiding in sweatshirts and jeans.

Before I wore them more so because I loved the way the jeans looked too big, and how I felt small inside the sweatshirt, and now matter how many layers, I still felt cold.
Is that wrong?

But I'm not as cold as much anymore. And although I wear sweatshirts, I don't feel quite as small inside them.

My mum watched me as I ate a bagel today. For lunch. And I had an apple for breakfast. And then I felt horrible about the bagel and had 7 starbursts. I'm just lucky it didn't go into a binge.
110 for the apple. and who knows how much for the bagel. (thankfully there was nothing on it) 400 or something. God. and the starbursts...what 30 each?

Height: 5'2"
Current weight: 110.8
Highest: 121
lowest: 101

what I want more than anything is to be one of the small ones of my friends.
to have them say they're a bit worried.
to step on the scale without embarrassment
to shiver.
to see my collarbones and shoulder blades
to not feel fat and self conscious
to not feel alarm when a guy picks me up.
to be told 'god. you're so light.'
to stop food cravings